Shes Didn’t Knew Whom Him Were: A Story in the Vernacular

Based on True Events

By Brooke Smars and Rachel Hawkins

            She were at the basketball game.  And she were at home.  There are one hers but two shes.  Shes was friends.  But shes wasn’t friends with the her.  She names were Rachel and Brooke.  The her were unknewed.  But man were her UGLY.  Her were eatin’ greases and her were lumpy.  Shes knewed her nothing but likes her nothing.  This were ‘cause her wanteds shes boyfriends.  Shes boyfriends was FINE.  Her weren’t.  But her haves the nerves to bats eye to shes boyfriends. 

            Shes at the basketball game tooks the telephone to says to shes whom were at home that shes best be got to the basketball game to beats up her whos were lookin’ at shes boyfriends.  Shes at home gets redder in shes face and sayed, “Shes gets there now to beats up her shes knewed nothing whom bats eye to shes boyfriends.  Shes hate her and hers ugly lumps.” 

            Shes at basketball game hunged up and threwed shes grease on her and her ugly lumps.  Her are fish n’ chips.  Shes at basketball game musts keeps her from eatin’ shes boyfriends.  Shes threwed grease not on shes boyfriends.  Theys haven’t ugly lumps.  Theys got HOT bun-buns.  So her want to eats theys.  Shes agrees theys is yum-yums but shes eats theys not. 

            Shes at home becomed shes at basketball game.  Shes that were at home but becomed she at basketball game were mads as an hornets.  Shes goes up to her and bits hers head off.  Shes then says “EWWWWW” and her sayed “I’s ain’t an her, I’s an him.”  Shes sayed “Shes didn’t knew whom him were” and et him anyway.  Lumps spewes from stummys all overed shes boyfriends.  Theys loves shes anyhoo.      

Shes lived happy happy alwayed ever with theys and nothing lumpy or greased. 

THE END

Dr Sparky’s

Advanced MATH THEORY

I.            Sparky’s Law

If Dr. Sparky advocates it, it becomes more than a theory.  Her word is law.

II.           Mathematical Certainty Law

             Any answer that Dr sparky comes up with has a reason, and even if it doesn’t, it is still valid.  (See  #1)

III.                  Law of Application

            If YOU CAN’T FIGURE A PROBLEM OUT, IT PROBABLY ISN’T WORTH KNOWING.  (UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU ARE MERELY A stupid IGNORAMUS AND DON’T USE THE DR SPARKY APPROACH TO SOLVING PROBLEMS IN WHICH CASE RE-READ THEORIES laws #1 AND #2 AND REPEAT THEM TO YOURSELF OVER AND OVER UNTIL THEY ARE FINALLY IMBEDDED IN YOUR THICK SKULL.)

IV.        Law of Distribution

The Sparky’s Law also applies to Prof. Sprite.  Her word is also law. 

Exercises

1) Lil’ Sprite goes to a plant store and buys 127 yards of colored saran wrap.  She brings it home and makes incisions every 12 inches.  She then proceeds to cut straight across.  She puts all the pieces in a box to send to her best friend Sparky in Sweden so she can start working on a project.  (Let’s just say a chicken wire hat for simplicity’s sake.)  How many pieces does Lil’ Sprite put into the box?

Solution:

Since we know that there are 127 yards, we must therefore take the square root of this number, since she went to a plant shop to purchase it.

 |127|   This gives us 11.26942767.  We now proceed to round this number.              Keep in mind the significant figures (which are radical 1, 3³, 5, 7,     radical 9, 27, 57, 127, 257, 727, and |7|.  All other numbers are             irrelevant.) 

            We now have:

            1.                    2                  3³                    2                            7           .       7

And since Lil’ Sprite cut every 12 inches, we must move the decimal over that much.  However, this presents a problem.  Sparky is in Sweden where they use the metric system.  Therefore we must switch to centimeters.  Measure out 12 cm and move the decimal.  This gives us:

123³277    Add a comma in where you feel like it.  Take the square root of that which gives us 113.7 but since we are quite superstitious, we don’t like the number 13.  So we’ll round it again.  This gives us 127.7.  We know that since Lil’ Sprite puts the pieces into a box, we square this number since the shape of a box is generally square.  We now have 16307.29.  Remember significant figures: this gives us a final answer of 17277.27.

*To prove – See #2.

Dr Sparky’s

Laws of Physics

I.       If you drop something, it’s going to hit the ground.  That’s just the way things work.  Unless you are a Jedi. Then kindly disregard.

ii.       If you’re stupid enough to drop something on your toe, it is going to hurt.  This is a mathematical certainty.  (Refer to Dr Sparky’s Advanced Mathematical Theory)

III.     The only thing you need to know concerning acceleration and velocity is how fast you were going when the cop pulled you over and how little you can tell him you were going and STILL get away with it.

IV.          Concerning Newton’s Laws:

          Some guy who apparently likes apples had way too much time on his hands and decided to complicate our lives.              Disregard anything he says.  Dr Sparky does not advocate anything that he says, so neither should you.  (See also Dr Sparky’s Mathematical Theory Law #1)

V.          Graphs and charts feeble attempts at creativity.

O Vega Link, that doth separate

   The sides of the bed,

Please do not let Sparky use thee

   To bash the side of my head.

Shall I compare thee

   To an abominable hot dog?

No, for thou art more pleasant and not made

  From the assorted parts of a hog.

What should we do without thee?

  In her pants Lil’ Sprite would surely pee

If she were forced to live without the Link

  For her life would then surely stink.

Never have we lain awake,

   Counting flying sheep in number,

For the Vega Link brings serenity and peace

   When we ever so sweetly slumber.

O Vega Link!  O beautiful Vega Link,

  Of such incomparable stature,

We praise thee for thy use as a weapon,

   And commend thee for our joy and rapture!